Who do you love?

John Mayer. Who knew he could speak Truth into my life? In "I Don't Trust Myself" he asks, "Who do you love, me or the thought of me?" While I have most often thought of this question in light of male female relationships, I thought about it differently tonight.

I just said goodbye to my best friend, Kelsey. She and her husband are moving to Hawaii in two days to be youth pastors. The call God has placed on their lives is unreal - it is powerful and beautiful - a testimony to anyone who sees it. I am filled with Joy when I think of the amazing things my friends are doing all over the world! Megs and Lindz are in Thailand ministering to women who have been invloved in the sex-trafficking industry. Steph is in Austin - getting submerged in a new community. Lydia just returned from India and is moving to NYC (yay!) this next week. Brit is down in SoCo at the dunes...prepping to marry the red head here in a couple weeks. Ali and Kory are preparing their hearts for marriage and full-time ministry in South Bend. In the midst of these incredible stories, I have to ask myself the question, "Who do you love?" I have to ask because it seems easy to serve a God who is moving in the lives of dear friends. But what happens when God is silent? What happens when He is still? What happens when He allows a storm?

Who do I love?

It seems like a simple-enough question. I love Jesus. But when I really dig in and examine the corners of my heart (and listen to the rest of John Mayer's ballad) I find that I also have to ask, "Me or the thought of me?"

Do I love Jesus for Jesus or do I sometimes love the "thought of Him?"

Ouch. That hurts.

I have been thinking about this idea in a broad sense since September of last year. Professor Lockett spoke at our Fall Retreat in upstate NY. As always, his words were encouraging yet convicting. He asked us if we want Jesus because He gives us Hope and Joy and Peace...or if we desire the Lord because He IS those things. Am I using Jesus as a means to an end...or is He my end in and of Himself?

Do I love the thought of the power of God falling on people, and lives being transformed, and seeing just a glimpse of God's glory and only beginning to understand how sinful I am in light of it beacause I know I "ought" to be jazzed about those things...or do I really love these things because they are my Saviour at work...because Jesus is Hope and Joy and Peace?

My prayer is that it is the latter.

When the Lord asks, "Me or the thought of me, Kels? Who do you love?" I want to answer with great Joy, "You, my Lord. You and You alone."